Distressing content - need help!

7 answers /

Last post: 23/02/2024 at 8:48 pm

Melissa F(185)

09/02/2024 at 5:22 pm

I need some advice/help!

my little brother (11 years old) has had issues for years, and I’m not talking just bad behaviour. Primary school did absolutely nothing whilst he was being bullied and he started acting out. After trying for years to get a referral they still just ignored our plea’s and instead sent us a legal letter from the council to stop our “Harassment” (which the council later retracted and apologised for). He went into high school last year and well… it’s escalated.

In primary school he started showing signs of ticks and ADHD, we tried CAMHS and the post adoptions team (he was adopted as a baby) and both just refused help. GP referred us to a “specialist” who ended up being a nurse that gave him breathing exercises after a 30 minute appointment, which made no difference. We pushed and pushed and finally we got a diagnosis for ticks but they have a 3 year waiting list for ADHD/Autism service.

this is where it’s started to get serious.

I am now afraid for my mums safety as he has developed a pure hated for her this past year, he’s not only verbally abusive but is now getting physical. He has a lot of built up anger that is mostly directed to my mum but also other women, including myself, teachers and girls at school who won’t be his girlfriend (he can’t accept the word no) He is outright defiant, argumentative and angry, which has started to spill into school. He has hit my mum, threatens her with a knife and the last straw was last week when he took great pleasure in calling her every hurtful name under the sun and in detail saying how he wanted to kill her, dig her back up and then detailed all the horrific things he wanted to do with her body. We were beyond disturbed. The police were called and luckily my mum filmed it all (he lies all the time and tells people we regularly beat him) so we have to have cameras up to protect us as well as himself.

the police watched the video and questioned him (he denied everything and told them my mum was hitting him and to take her away). He keeps saying he just wants her to die and wants it to just be him and his dad (my stepdad) who has been a lot softer with discipline.

it’s also worth nothing that my mum is on crutches due to a broken leg and he constantly tried to hit her with the crutches and she can’t walk away to escape, which he reminds her of.

he’s now on final report from school for aggressive behaviour, he threatens to kill himself when he is pulled for his bad behaviour at school by teachers or at home and now everyone is just saying there is nothing they can do. He’s never tried to hurt himself but a young girl in his school unfortunately passed due to suicide and he’s now using it as a form of attention. We know he would never do anything as he over exaggerates pain and he’s constantly telling us he’s broke his neck/leg/arm and we have watched him fake multiple injuries to try and get attention if we have been talking and he wasn’t included in the conversation.

he is a compulsive liar (we know all kids lie but everything he says is lies or fantasies) he purposely will tease and berate my mum until she’s in tears and then as soon as my stepdad walk in the house he runs to the door, puts on the water works and claims she’s being mean to him (luckily for the cameras he can see that this isn’t the case). I know it’s hard to say but he’s a master manipulator and as soon as you get upset through his actions or words he just smiles and laughs, if he thinks he’s been caught, he will say how he’s being treated unfairly due to his disabilities (he’s only been diagnosed with mild ticks) or he will just shrug it and say “I don’t care, I hate her”

im literally on FaceTime with my mum every day when he gets in from school as I don’t trust he won’t hurt her. The police, school, CAMHS, post adoption and the GP are unwilling to help due to either “funding” or long waiting lists. We are now considering private treatment but have no idea where to start! Can anyone recommend a company or private specialist that could help?

it really is now last chance and if nothing is done he will end up seriously hurting himself or my mum.

my mum has been his main defender, she is pushing for help and support and gives him everything he needs, which is why we can’t understand why she is the focus of his anger.

Mod Chelle

09/02/2024 at 7:13 pm

Hi Melissa,

We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic Child mental health board, so you can get the advice and support you need.

Parent Supporter Catherine

09/02/2024 at 7:17 pm

Hi Melissa

I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. Thanks for sharing with us. I've asked for your post to be moved into our drop in clinic where I think you will receive more support.

Melissa, I can hear how worried you are for your mum and brother and I'm sure it is frustrating to feel that you are getting nowhere when trying to access services. Is your brother on the waitlist for CAMHS at the moment? I would ask his GP to refer him or provide an update to ask for him to be prioritised and continue to advocate for you. You might also find the Young Minds website helpful which also has a helpline: YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People | YoungMinds

I wonder also if you might consider chatting to the NSPCC helpline for some advice and support? Let them know how worried you are and hopefully they may also be able to signpost you to support: NSPCC | The UK children's charity | NSPCC In the meantime, if incidents occur at home where your mum feels unsafe, she should continue to ring the police for help.

Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but do come back to us, if you like to chat some more.

Catherine

Joanne F(517)

17/02/2024 at 3:37 pm

Hi Melissa. There is a wonderful group on Facebook called Parenting Mental Health. Look it up and request to join, there are lots of people who are going through situations similar with their families. Many have sought private help for their children, so they may be able to recommend some private companies to try with experience. Good luck.

Michelle S(1956)

17/02/2024 at 9:53 pm

This is very worrying and I would be concerned for my mother too with such traits and behaviours that he is showing.

Is there any respite that your mother could put him in so she could have a break and heal to come off crutches, it's such a pity sounds like your mother is really trying but just not getting any help or support in dealing with this difficult situation.

Anita G(9)

19/02/2024 at 9:16 pm

Hi,

Won't the post adoption team putting an application to the Adoption Support Fund for some kind of private therapy for him? He should be entitled to this and they should support in finding the right therapist for him

Debbie B(629)

23/02/2024 at 8:48 pm

Hi I read your post and feel such concern for your mum. Your worries about her safety are coming through loud and clear and are extremely valid.

I am a foster carer and after experiencing being repeatedly physically attacked by an 11 year old child placed with me for 8 months, I would never wish to be in that position again.

It’s frightening but there is a whole other level of fear the situation creates because the perpetrator is a child…

Gentle strong hugs to you all

Please, do not underestimate the risk here. Push for action. Get the school and GP service behind your mum, strength in numbers xx. Does your brother have a social worker allocated to him?

I’ve looked up some resources that I hope you and your mum will find helpful. Social services are so stretched in their staff capacity and funding that often getting help from that area is difficult and seems to be applied to those who shout loudest 😣

Has your mum stated to the post adoption team that she is at the end of her coping ability and considering terminating the adoption placement? I wonder if they are not being galvanised into meaningful action because the team believe your mum will just keep soldiering on….

Maybe they need a reality awakening… perhaps the only way to get prompt support from them is for your mum to tell them she is at breaking point and seriously considering ending the adoption and returning the child to local authorities. Even if she is not currently willing to go through with that action (from your post it’s evident your mum is your adopted brothers biggest advocate), for a means to an end, it may help her get the support needed for them both?

I know my circumstances differ from your mums in that I was fostering the child and your mum adopted. But the child I was fostering had been adopted at age 2. Had been in a traumatised state from in utero and after birth. She was also diagnosed with autism, I found she could be absolutely lovely and very intelligent but narcissistic traits and manipulative. It transpired that the child was very emotionally unstable. Not her fault, she was a product of her experiences and had been poorly supported and mismanaged for years 😕

She was initially coming to me on respite visits but it switched to temporarily full time as her adoptive parents unable to cope with her behaviours toward them (at that time it had been verbal melt downs and self harming, not violent to anyone or so they disclosed). The local authority were trying to prevent adoption breakdown so threw various resources at the problem but because they failed to properly assess the full situation and identify what was actually needed to appropriately support this child’s needs, it ended in another failed placement which exacerbates the damage 🙈

The child was eventually placed into a residential school. Despite my initial reservations about this kind of placement, it’s actually resulted in being the best outcome and support for her needs to be met safely.

Please take a look at the following information and resources. I hope this will be of help to you and your mum, and for your brother to receive the psychological help he clearly needs to process and dissolve the anger driving his behaviour

Some books/reading material - can buy from Amazon or EBay but if budget is limited other, places to get books - borrowing from library, or buy 2nd hand from World Of Books. They do free delivery too

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Whos-Charge-children-abuse-parents/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Child-Parent-Violence-Abuse-

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Affected-Parent-Violence-Aggression/

There has been research into abused children’s behaviours and the neurological impact and ability to heal and emotionally recover and regulate dependent on the age when abuse began and length of time suffered.

The results are shocking and so sad for all involved. The damage/changes to the brain can be permanent or reversible depending on factors experienced.

https://www.verywellmind.com/childhood-abuse-changes-the-brain-2330401#:~:text=Childhood%20emotional%20abuse%20and%20neglect,psychological%20disorders%20and%20substance%20misuse.

And

https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/the-effects-of-complex-trauma-on-brain-development/#:~:text=Proven%20structural%20changes%20include%20enlargement,activity%20of%20certain%20brain%20regions.

Some reading that may help to understand the causes behind the behaviours

https://salud-america.org/4-ways-childhood-trauma-changes-childs-brain-body/

And

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/childhood-effects-of-trauma.htm

And

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/trauma-and-children-newborns-to-two-years#

And

https://www.adopteeson.com/articles/adopteeanger#:~:text=A%20common%20emotion%20attached%20to,real%3B%20look%20it%20up).

Resources to help