Low self esteem and marriage
4 answers /
Last post: 15/01/2024 at 11:38 pm
I've been struggling with low self esteem for some time now without realising it until the last year.
On paper I have a fab life. Two lovely children, gorgeous and hardworking husband, a job that fits in with childcare and our own home. But I know something is missing and I feel so tragic about my self worth.
I used to have a successful career, earned well, was slim and dressed impeccably. Now, I'm fat, ugly and just feel like a frumpy mum with very little else of my old self left. I have given everything up for the kids and so my husband can continue to be the main income and career in the house. I've hid it over the years, albeit probably through drinking a little more than I should (I am addressing this) and pushing these feelings deep down, but no matter what I try, they keep bobbing to the surface.
Now my husband feels like I have no time or feelings for him, as he says I barely stay in touch in the day and have no regard for him.
Our relationship has declined somewhat over the years. For context, we've been together for over 20 years as childhood sweethearts, I no longer sleep in our marital bed as I snore and he's a light sleeper and I rarely am in the mood as I hate him touching me (I'm constantly trying to cover my flabby belly during sex). We rarely have time just the two of us with not many offers of childcare and a 13 year old hovering about until late.
He wants me to get counselling and I am interested, but I don't want Work to know and can't get out of working hours appointments. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hold him back, he feels neglected and 'strung along'. I know I'm being emotionally stunted lately and to be honest, he's given me reason to be at times as he's got terribly drunk on boys nights out and not come home or stayed in touch (not that this happens all the time, but on several occasions). I probably have numbed myself somewhat from caring.
We're just on different paths, he's fit and active, kept his shape and has great pride in himself and I'm just a mum and feel like I have no time for anything else due to his shifts. I have spoken to him about how I feel, but nothing changes... We just carry on bobbing along.
If anyone has ever felt like this, or has any remedies, I'd love to hear them... X
Hi Fudgey
I'm Catherine, one of the Parent Supporters here at Netmums. I'm sure lots of our mums will completely understand how you feel. Motherhood, whilst it can be wonderful, can often also result in us losing sight of who we were or who we thought we would be. We can be so busy putting other people's needs first, that ours are often lost. I can see you've mentioned that you are thinking about counselling. One way of accessing this is via your GP who can signpost you to options. Many services have continued to offer this is in a variety of ways and you may find something which suits you, particularly if you don't want work to know. Other than that Fudgey, is there anything else you would like to try and or reconnect with that would help you feel more like yourself? Could you make time for a hobby or a class? Something which makes you feel brighter and more like yourself?
Hopefully some of our lovely community will be along soon to offer support but please come back to us if you would like to chat some more.
Catherine
I know absolutely how you feel and can totally relate however my other half has given me some reasons to feel so awful lately!! The snoring thing have you been checked for sleep apnea?? I used to snore terribly and that was why I now sleep with a mask not very attractive but it makes alot less noise than snoring so you can actually share a bed!! Counselling can be arranged outside of work hours most of the time so please don't let that stop you from getting some help ive recently signed up for it myself cause I'm getting to the point where I just actually loathe myself xx
hi, I'd recommend going to your GP to discuss the snoring and maybe your low mood too. If it's partly due to feeling overweight, they may have some helpful suggestions. Someone I know uses a mouth guard for snoring and says she can now sleep in the same room as her husband again! In the meantime, do you need to sleep in separate rooms every single night? Maybe you could reduce this to half the week?
It sounds like your husband is keen for things to improve, which is a good thing. What sort of things did you enjoy doing together previously? Sometimes you have to just get out there and try something different from your usual routine. Even if it's just getting a babysitter for a couple of hours and having a drink and a laugh together.
I think it's common to feel self conscious as we get older. I've had to accept that I'll never look like I did pre-kids. My husband annoyingly managed to get fit and lose weight fairly easily! I have really struggled with it. But getting out for regular walks with other mum friends e.g. at the weekends and joining a gym has really helped. Friends of mine seem to enjoy going to some sort of exercise class every week. It can take a while to get into it but they say as well as improving fitness, it's a good way of meeting other people.
