I feel I have no bond with my nearly 2 year old.

As the title suggests I feel I have no connection to my toddler. He is my youngest child and I also have another son who is 8.

I have a very close relationship with my eldest son. I wouldn’t say I love him more but I feel like the bond is a bit stronger. When my eldest was a toddler up until around 5 me and his dad had a very dysfunctional relationship, he would be out for days on end and just being a generally awful partner in regards to drinking etc. I feel like because of that period of time and it’s just being me and my eldest for large periods we formed a bond where we were making it through all the drama together. My eldest also has ASD so I spent a long time getting his diagnosis, applying for ehcp etc and going through all the emotions that comes with which I think also made the bond stronger as I was his spokesperson in a way.

During lockdown something seemed to settle inside my partners mind and he became a much better partner and a more nurturing father. I’d made a decision that I didn’t want anymore children due to the difficulties we had with my eldest and I had a fear if I was to have another it would be the same situation in regards to autism. My partner very much wanted a second child and although he didn’t force me into anything or make any suggestions to sway me to say yes I felt like I agreed to it out of a fear of having made it that far in the relationship and things were getting really good which I didn’t want to lose.

My second son was born and although the birth went a lot better than my first for around 3 weeks after I was pretty much left on my own due to my partner having to deal with two very close people dying and he also had to travel for one of the funerals. I don’t show any resentment about that but it was very hard for me during that period of healing from a c section and also dealing with a new born and older child.

flash forward nearly 2 years and I just feel like I really don’t enjoy spending time around my youngest son. I get lots of time to myself compared to other mums but I feel like I’m only content when he isn’t around me. I don’t know if it’s got worse the older he’s got and has become a typical toddler causing mayhem but for some reason it just really winds me up and some days I can’t bare to be around him and I count down the hours until he’s either in nursery or goes to bed.

I feel so terrible for feeling like this and I don’t want this to affect him emotionally or for it to carry on long term and we have a fractured relationship. I should add he has an amazing relationship with his dad and it often seems like to me he much prefers being around his dad than me.

I don’t want to go to the doctors because honestly they’re useless and their answer to everything is take medication and wait a year for a nhs counselling appointment. Would it be wise to seek some form of private therapy for the way I’m feeling. Did anyone else feel like this with their children and how did you make it through?