Ex doesn’t seem interested in our daughter
6 answers /
Last post: 19/02/2024 at 9:57 pm
Sorry in advance, this is a bit of a long one. Hoping someone might be able to relate or offer their perspective on things in case I’m being a bit too sensitive…
Me and my daughter’s dad split when she was 3 months old after he kicked us out of our house in a rage. It’s been on/off for a while but we’ve recently broken up for good. He has 2 other children from a previous marriage that he left when they were 4. When I met him he was going through a messy divorce, but throughout it all he would go on about how much he missed his 2 kids in between visits, would FaceTime them every other weekend that he didn’t have them without fail (and still does). Eventually their mum applied for a court order for him to see them less to avoid conflict at handovers, so he got in thousands of pounds worth of debt to fight to see them more. In short, I thought he was a great dad and it was a really attractive quality.
However, when we split after having our daughter, he wasn’t interested in her. He had her the bare minimum he could to avoid having to pay full child maintenance. Whilst on mat leave I would offer to take her over to see him during his lunch breaks at home, but he’d refuse and tell me he’s too busy.
Now our daughter is 3, and to this day, no matter how much I keep mentioning it, he won’t FaceTime her off his own back. And even when I FaceTime him (after she’s asked to) he seems disinterested and ends the call shortly afterwards as says she seems too distracted (she likes to pretend to read books to him or do little dances to show him rather than talking). He shows no interest in her or the things she gets up to outside of his weekends, and hasn’t seen her on her own in over a year. If I arrange for her to visit him 1-2-1, next thing I know he’s got his other two kids to come over to play/look after her. The weekends he does have her he also has his other 2 children, which is lovely, but offers no quality time (which the other 2 get with him throughout the week and school holidays). He outright refuses to spend any time alone with her and says that he doesn’t want to see her outside his set days as that’s his time. The only time he seems to show any interest in her is when it’s her birthday, when he likes to make out to everyone he’s dad of the year and that they have this really close bond. Yes she does love her dad which is lovely, but I feel it’s very much out of sight out of mind for him. It makes me so angry and sad that he treats her like this, and how differently he treats our daughter in comparison to his other to kids (not their fault I know). If I bring all of this up to him he accuses me of being psychologically abusive for making him question himself as a dad, and how I’m destroying his mental health keep ‘making out he’s a bad dad’. Basically he plays victim and then I’m the bad one for mentioning it.
Do I just stop trying to force him to make more effort with her, and trying to get him to treat her equally? Or do I persist for our daughters sake, in the hope that he’ll eventually build that same bond with her that he has with the other two. I just really don’t want her to pick up on it when she’s older that’s all.
Please think very carefully about your children's mental well being for the future. I've experienced this as a step daughter growing up and it's truly awful. I still feel so much resentment 30 years later.
Also the behaviour from him to you sounds very much narcissistic.
Read this sentence you wrote again, 'do I just stop trying to force him....?' Would you like someone to force you to do anything? I think not. Forcing him will make him resent her even more. You are there to provide opportunities if he wants to see her. It is his loss if he doesn't anyway.
People don't like all children the same and that is something you should try to accept. Although this might not be the case here, he probably doesn't know what to do with her as she is still too little. Perhaps things will change when he is able to have a conversation with her (as you mentioned she is too distracted now).
Good luck with everything.
Please think very carefully about your children's mental well being for the future. I've experienced this as a step daughter growing up and it's truly awful. I still feel so much resentment 30 years later.
Also the behaviour from him to you sounds very much narcissistic.
Im sorry to hear this happened to you growing up. Yes that’s the thing, I just don’t want her to grow up noticing the difference in how she’s being treated and I can only imagine how much that must hurt. And yes he certainly does has some controlling behaviours, and has even admitted to using childcare to get at me and ‘win’ on one occasion before. Thanks for your comment.
Read this sentence you wrote again, 'do I just stop trying to force him....?' Would you like someone to force you to do anything? I think not. Forcing him will make him resent her even more. You are there to provide opportunities if he wants to see her. It is his loss if he doesn't anyway.
People don't like all children the same and that is something you should try to accept. Although this might not be the case here, he probably doesn't know what to do with her as she is still too little. Perhaps things will change when he is able to have a conversation with her (as you mentioned she is too distracted now).
Good luck with everything.
You have a really good point, and I guess I’ve not thought about it like that before, so thanks. Sometimes it’s hard when you’re in it to understand why he wouldn’t want to see and speak with her that much, but maybe she’s too little at the moment like you say. He’s also someone who sees every disagreement as something he has to ‘win’, so maybe if I stopped pushing him to see her that would make things better. I guess I just panic that if I do stop he’ll just continue to see her the bare minimum. But like you say, that’s his loss if so. Thanks again.
You have a really good point, and I guess I’ve not thought about it like that before, so thanks. Sometimes it’s hard when you’re in it to understand why he wouldn’t want to see and speak with her that much, but maybe she’s too little at the moment like you say. He’s also someone who sees every disagreement as something he has to ‘win’, so maybe if I stopped pushing him to see her that would make things better. I guess I just panic that if I do stop he’ll just continue to see her the bare minimum. But like you say, that’s his loss if so. Thanks again.
I was going to say the same thing. He left when his other children were 4.. I would hazard a guess he wasn't very hands on in the early years and doesn't know what to do to be able to enjoy it. Which is sad!
Definitely stop "forcing" it. It's disgusting to use children to get at the other parent but that may well be what he is doing - not seeing her because you asked him to. Not giving you the luxury of free time. Not doing anything that could be considered to benefit you. I know that isn't how it feels for you, but I'd put money on it being the way his mind works!
All assumptions of course, but it's a story heard many times!
